She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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