Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
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He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
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You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
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