my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
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I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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