ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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