its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
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