Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
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Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
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I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
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