Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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