I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
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