lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
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Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
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I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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