Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
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I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
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My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
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