I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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