Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
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After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
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The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
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