New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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