I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
nutella sex= disaster
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
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Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
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Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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