i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Randomize