My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
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