Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
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i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
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I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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