you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
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The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
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So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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