I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
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Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
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in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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