Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
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i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
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Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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