If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Randomize