Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize