I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
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To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
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Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Randomize