He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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