Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize