I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
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