im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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