Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
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noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
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The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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