First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
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My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
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So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
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