when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
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his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
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When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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