Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I pour the whiskey from now on
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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