you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
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did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
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If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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