I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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