hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
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