After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
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Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
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I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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