i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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