At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
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It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
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My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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