True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
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She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
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Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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