and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
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Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
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We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
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