My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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