Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
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It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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