So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
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His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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