if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
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they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
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There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
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