im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
MIDGETS
????
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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