Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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