dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
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