i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
its liver damage thursday
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