My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
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There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
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I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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