I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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