They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
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just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
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It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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